Frustrations in life...

Ok so I'm a little frustrated with life right now. I really wish I could just drive through the path that God has chosen for me and be happy. I've had so many hurdles to go through and obstacles to overcome I'm just ready for a break. I'm happy that I have family and friends that love me but as the days creep to my 34th birthday in a couple of weeks I wonder is this it? Will I live my life childless and husbandless? I am starting to fear of living alone. After my parents die (not saying they will anytime soon mind you) what will happen to me? I mean I'm seriously freaking out! I work at a temporary job where I get minimal benefits and no retirement. I live in an apartment where I get alot of alone time which is good but what if I get hurt or something and there is no one around. I don't mean to freak anyone out it's just how I feel! I would love to make Kansas my home for life but I feel that as I get older I may either need to live closer to where my sister lives or move back East where most of my family lives. I mean my uncle has made it all these years on his own in Colorado so I'm sure I can handle it but I'm actively searching for another job that would be more permanent and perhaps pay better. I'm at a crossroads again and not sure which way to turn. I just hope God will guide me to my future destinations...

My mom :)

Oh my mom! She is awesome ;)... She knows me inside and out! I feel like I can talk to her about anything and everything... Although that's only happened within the last 5 or 10 years. She knows I get emotional about EVERYTHING! And just the way she tells me to quit it just lets me know that she doesn't put up with that anymore from me. Now when my dad tells me to stop that just gets me fired up because he just is a man and doesn't know how to go about doing it lol... Still love my dad though!


I guess I can tell me and my mom are close because I can share stuff with her but we also have some crazy emotional fights because we deal with things the same way, emotionally. Sometimes I wonder if the reason me and my sister aren't as close as some siblings is not only distance but she approaches things alot like my dad would and i'm more like my mom. My parents have their differences which is good because who would want to marry a clone of themselves? LOL But they thrive on their similarities :)... I love them both and so glad I was blessed to be in a home where I had two parents together who were happy. I really miss them sometimes!

Bar maids...

Ok so I've been thinking about this alot the last few days. I love going to the Wild Horse Saloon on the weekends because I love to dance and it's a great workout without even thinking about it. I love the music they play (for the most part) and the people there have become family. I guess it's funny because most people my age have a husband or wife and children so they may think that it's crazy that a soon to be 34 year old is hanging out at a bar. Well I'm here to tell you that I don't go just for the alcohol I go for the atmosphere of it all. The people at the bar are like my extended family and we usually catch up about the week's events and such. Plus it's just fun to act goofy sometimes... I don't usually get that drunk so I like watching the drunk people try to use their lines on other people in the bar. It's quite entertaining. Certain people at my workplace and in my life in general don't seem to understand that just because I go to the bar doesn't mean I get drunk every time I go there. I go there to have a good time and to meet new people. Yes I know it's not the ideal place to find a significant other but it can happen. Plus it's the cheapest thing to do on a weekend because they have no cover charge for ladies and if you just drink water it's free... :) I haven't had this much fun in my life since I've started hanging out at Wild Horse and on any given Friday or Saturday night you will probably see me out there so come join us. It's always a party when we are there! :)

Time for a chapter to close....

Well as you know from my posts or facebook statuses.. I had a boyfriend for a couple months now. I think I'm getting to the point in my life where I need to stop having "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationships for the time being and just go out on dates... Breaking up is really painful for me. I know I shouldn't be so invested in a relationship that I don't see going anywhere but I was. I tend to dive in with my whole heart only to be disappointed with the outcome. Jimmy is a sweetheart and I really hope he does find someone that truly loves him and wants to be with him. Someone who wants to put in the effort of him being able to open up to them. I just felt like we were dance partners at the club who sometimes kissed. I didn't feel like we were dating and even some people I know didn't even know we were dating. I want someone who will light a fire inside me. Someone who challenges me to be better than I am and someone who wants to be around me and not just at the club. Hopefully I will find that man someday and if not I have wonderful friends and family to fill that void :)... Just going to take one day at a time and have some fun instead of diving head first into a relationship until I truly get to know someone.

I guess for me I've always thought that if someone actually showed an interest in me that I should be grateful and date said person... Well my confidence is building more now and I feel like I don't have to settle... I'm starting to feel prettier on the outside (even though I think my friends are 10 times more gorgeous than me)... I just need to find someone who thinks I'm someone worth being with.

Vacation... How wonderful you were but you went by too quick!

Now this might be a long one so strap yourself in... LOL It all started on Wednesday morning before dawn... I was just too excited to sleep I guess so I got some last minute stuff together and headed to the airport... This was the first time I had parked in economy parking at the KC airport but thankfully I have my friend Rusty who helped me by telling me where it was before hand... So I get there and I try to remember exactly where my car was so that when I got back on Sunday it would be easy to spot. Well I had checked in the day before my flight online so I could get a $2 discount on my checked bag (yes I know not alot of savings but I try to save where I can)... And so check in went super smoothly because all I had to do was drop my bag off and head over to my gate... After the security checkpoint I sat down and realized I had 2 hours to kill since I wanted to be there early enough to not have to stress about it LOL...

Well 2 flights later I land in the great CLT airport lol... They really need to update their stuff I think but whatever... I call my sister as I'm getting off the plane (she and my niece Nila came to get me) I saw them waiting for me by baggage claim so I went and dropped my purse off and Cheri said I could take Nila to go get my bag. So we held hands and got caught up as only an aunt and niece can.. Grabbed my bag and we were off... I decided to sit in the back with Nila because I would probably be talking to her more anyway and this way I could see her better LOL...We killed pirates in the backseat and she gave us both her version of pirate names... Mine was along the lines of Dora Treehornhead or something along those lines... So after killing all the pirates between the airport and my parents house I was ready to go see the rest of the family!!! Saw my parents first and then I saw HIM!!! Walking... Talking... ELI!!! And I was in love... He is the sweetest thing ever!! He's almost two so he needs constant stimulation all the time. That boy wore me out! But I had fun with him...

Some highlights from the conversations Eli and I had:
Every animal on the planet says Moo! "Eli what does a dog say?" "Moo!" "What does a cat say?" "Moo!" I think you catch my drift! LOL

He would get up on the stool in front of the chair I was sitting in and say "Ready... Set... Go.." And jump into my lap whether I was ready or not LOL...Sometimes I even had something in my hand and I knew once he said Ready! I only had like 2 seconds to figure out how I was going to catch him. LOL He's adorable and so lovable and he looks alot like Cheri which is nice because Nila looks alot like her dad's side of the family. While I was at my parents house I got to see my Uncle Larry and Aunt Gloria who I haven't seen since before I moved to Kansas. It was so nice to visit with them and let them know what I was up to... :)

On Friday we decided to give my parents a break from all the kid action and went to Discovery Place for preschoolers or something to that affect... It was so much fun and we were there for at least 3 hours and the kids didn't whine or complain one bit... They had a blast and I had a blast being there with them... Glad my sister and bro in law were there though to help me with the kids LOL... I have a newfound respect for all the single moms out there especially with more than one kid... Don't know how you do it but my hat is off to you! After that fun we headed to lunch where the kids passed out in their car seats LOL... When we got back home we dropped the kids off and took my dad to see Pirates of Carribbean in 3D and wasn't impressed with the 3D effects but the movie was good.

Saturday my parents and I said goodbye to Cheri and her family and headed to SC to visit Aunt Denise and Uncle Dave before heading to cousin Amy's wedding...Loved catching up with everyone and Amy's wedding was beautiful!!! It incorporated Jewish and Christian traditions and was a unique ceremony at least to me... The reception dinner was amazing and the whole wedding just gave me the warm and fuzzies :) After the wedding we headed back to Aunt Denise and Uncle Dave's to spend the night and Sunday morning I got to meet little Helen Havice for the first time (my cousin's little girl)... I had seen Henry a few times but hadn't met Helen because she had been born 2 months after I left for Kansas. She's the perfect Southern Belle in my eyes... Even when she left she was like little Miss Hollywood she would walk a few steps and turn back and wave and then walk a few more steps and wave... It was so great to be able to spend time with them!!!

And that my friends is how my vacation went. I'm glad I could get away for a bit but also glad to be back into a routine :)... If you didn't read the whole thing I don't mind lol This was more for my memories then anything else LOL...

Feels like crud!

Well let spring begin!!! Let the sinuses clog and make my head feel like a semi hit it... Let my eyes water and turn red. Gotta love this time of year LOL I feel like crud and I can't feel like crud because this time next week I will be getting ready to head out to see my parents, sister and bro in law, and most importantly my niece and nephew!!!! That means lots of hugs and kisses and my sister is not going to let me do any of that with all the sniffling and coughing I do now. So please send a get better prayer my way because I need to be 100% next week... Christmas was somewhat of a disappointment and I don't want this visit to be disappointing... I must defeat this!!!!

And the hits keep on coming....

Well found out today that I got rejected from the apartment complex where I was going to share an apartment with a roommate. Kids do not ever get credit cards and make sure to pay every bill on time! Those are words to live by. And stay in school because if you don't you will end up like me. And believe me NO ONE wants to end up like me LOL... I swear I'm in a hole that I will never leave. I'm stuck there with no end in sight. The one silver lining is that I get go see my family in a little less than 2 weeks. Sigh... Gotta love being the unsuccessful one. Oh look it's Cheri she has two kids a husband and she's amazing (which she is :) and brilliant!) and then there's Marcie... Well at least she got out of her parents house... LOL Not at all successful and her parents have to keep bailing her out. I AM going to pay them back and my parents have offered to get me a financial advisor because me and my dad don't see eye to eye when it comes to finances and it just ends up being a really big argument and I have enough going wrong right now that I don't want my parents and I fighting. I just feel guilty and humiliated and embarrassed. I have to look inside myself and see what I'm doing wrong in my life. I'm sure it's fixable I'm just at a loss right now...

Luckily after I got that phone call (and had my panic attack which I seem to have a lot lately) I told my work I had to go take care of some things and then went to my current landlord to make sure I could sign a lease since I had already given them notice and everything. They said that would be ok so at least I still have a place to live. I just hate that I disappoint people all the time... Oh there's Marcie screwing up yet again. It feels like it's neverending