Movies and reflection

I've done alot of reflection these last few months as you can probably tell from me starting to blog and all... All this ME time I've been having has let me figure out what I want out of life. It's coming up on a year that I've lived on my own and only concentrated on me. I finally feel like I'm in a good place and decided to have a redbox chick flick night... That ended up going into this morning... How Do you Know? with Reese Witherspoon Owen Wilson and Paul Rudd and it was amazing.... Where the geeky guy gets the hot girl... I have always loved when the underdog wins, because I've always been the underdog... LOL Anyway the second movie was Morning Glory and that movie was awesome as well... I love movies with strong female characters!! Anyway, there was this song from Morning Glory called Strip Me by Natasha Bedingfield which I found so empowering... Especially the chorus...

 

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me 

 

I felt like this encompassed my whole year this year... I was always trying to make James happy and let him take whatever he wanted from me... because I loved him and I thought that was what people did when they loved someone. Now that I've actually been on my own for a year now I know that I deserve better. I deserve to be heard! Just because I don't have children doesn't mean I don't have a say what goes on in my life. I've seen some of my friends in relationships that have no children but who's significant others have children involve so much of themselves in the children's lives and that they lose themselves. I don't say anything because I have been there... I wanted to take on the mom role because I felt that the child's mom was not a good parent... But I lost so much of myself by doing that. Me wanting children of my own so badly and being able to be a mother figure in the child's life I got a little carried away and James would let me so he wouldn't have to deal with it. I know I keep bringing him up but I feel like if I get these feelings out then I won't have to deal with them anymore and I can keep going in the right direction ya know? 

On another note these next few weeks is what I call the birthday weeks... My dad's was Friday, my sister's is April 3rd and then my sister's stepson's is April 8th... They are all so grouped together lol.... Mine is just around the corner in July and I can't believe I'll be 34! My dad was just telling me Friday that he signed up for Social Security and that made ME feel old that I actually have a dad that's retired and collecting social security. I just have alot on my mind and it's just all over the place but I'm glad I can put my thoughts on this blog and have people like you reading it :) Makes me feel better! Have a blessed week!

 

 

One. Hot. Woman.

Those three little words melted my heart tonight. My new boyfriend called me that and it wasn't I'm one hot woman that needed to change something about myself... It wasn't one hot woman who should change the way she is. It was ONE. HOT. WOMAN.. Yes I know I'm totally being like a schoolgirl but I don't care! My high school years other than band were horrible. I felt like the only reason people talked to me was to talk to my sister or my cousin (both of whom are beautiful inside and out! and I love them both!) and my nickname in high school or kathy bates from misery. So yeah those were fun days. Didn't have a single boyfriend in high school or middle school. My sister on the other hand had multiple boyfriends and I was always jealous...

Then after high school and my 3 years in college I started feeling better about myself... Partly because I wasn't compared to my sister all the time which was refreshing lol... I started dating and tended to date guys I thought I could "fix"into the dream husband I was looking for... Well I almost married a man that was totally wrong for me because I was "settling" because I didn't think there was anyone out there better for me.

Now onto present day... Jimmy, yes i know I can't seem to get away from the James name lol, is the sweetest guy I ever met. I'm kinda nervous getting involved with him because he does have some developmental disabilities but I have some learning disabilities so it's unfair of me to say that I don't know if I can see us long term or not. We're at the having fun stage right now and he's been nothing but sweet to me. He knows alot of people which makes me feel good that he won't be at my side all the time and suffocating. Now if we could just get a date outside the bar scene that would be great!!! LOL Don't get me wrong he is a GREAT dancer and I love having someone to slow dance with. And I don't want to rush anything so I'm just going to enjoy the ride and see where it goes...

He called me one hot woman.... Sigh I'm on cloud nine!

Loving life :)

Do you ever just wake up in the morning and say "I love my life"... Well for the first time in years I've been doing that here in Kansas. When I was living in North Carolina under my parents roof I thought I was destined for the hustle and bustle of the Charlotte area for my whole life. That and living with my parents forever... But since January 2009 I've been on this crazy adventure out here in the midwest and it's been amazing! Yes I've had some real trials to get through and everything but for the most part I feel like I've grown as a person. I still depend on my parents somewhat and hope that I can provide for them when they need me most. :) Yes I still long for a husband and a family but it's not a necessity for me anymore. My friends are great, I miss my family alot (especially my niece and nephew that I am missing growing up)... My job is finally enjoyable again now that my boss has quit and I feel like everything is falling into place. I have even found someone who makes me happy... I'm taking it really slow and not trying to rush anything because this guy does everything I think a guy should do for his girl... Opening doors for me and letting me go in first (that's a biggie for me), dances with me at the club (another biggie), and just treats me with respect. Yes he may not be super perfect but he's perfect for me and makes me happy. I don't know what the future holds for us but I'm enjoying the journey as we go along :)...

And like I told a friend last night... I've surrounded myself with positive people so I only feel positivity when I'm around others which makes me feel happy and wanting to spread my "pocket full of sunshine" to everyone I come in contact with. My new motto is don't sweat the small stuff (which can be hard sometimes with my control freakish ways at times LOL) and just embrace life and don't dwell on what you don't have focus on what you do have!

My Best Friend

In honor of her birthday weekend this weekend I thought I would write a post about my best friend Tera... Tera is the kind of girl who would brighten up any room. She's upbeat all the time and makes me smile :). She's always there for me when I need her and I can always depend on her if I need to hang out and she always sees the bright side of any situation. She helped me get through a major rough patch in my life and I feel like I've come out stronger because of her support. We can talk about guys, food, clothes, shopping... Everything and nothing ever seems boring when she's around.

She's also a great mom to two great boys. I hope that if I happen to have kids someday I will be half the mom she is to them. :) So this is to you Tera!!!! I love you and thanks for being my best friend!

Am I strong enough?

Ever feel like God puts obstacles in your way to see if your strong enough to handle them? Well that's how I feel today... It's like God is testing me to see if I can really move on from my ex fiance James. I have started dating someone and he treats me so well!!! And he has a job! Another plus in my book! Anyway we've been seeing each other for a month or two now and just made things official on Saturday. Well this morning I get a Facebook message from James (and my boyfriend's name is Jimmy so I guess I have a thing for that name LOL). He was saying how he got 7000 dollars back from taxes and was wondering if he could help me pay my bills. Well this sounded more than a little fishy but I took the bait and said what's the catch? He said we would have to be roommates. Ummm first of all I live in a one bedroom apartment which is plenty big for me but not for two people... Secondly he's like an infection... He drags me down whenever he can. He says he has no place to live and why should that be my problem? Then he wanted my number so we could text and I didn't feel comfortable doing that either so I didn't give it to him...

I guess I measure this as a great accomplishment because right after we broke up and I moved into my own place we still kinda saw each other for a couple of months. I think I just had to get all my frustration with him out and then I just told him to leave me alone. He's used to his ex's being friends with him after they broke up and one of his exes is my friend and she said the reason he and i couldn't be friends is that I was in love with him before we broke up and all his other breakups were them breaking up with him. Whatever the case is I just don't like myself when I'm around him. He pulls me in to his own depression and it's not somewhere I want to be...

Unfortunately he still knows where I live for now... I'm starting to look for other places to live because I'm not too happy where I'm at and I want to live closer to my work and my friends. So wish me luck!

I'm feeling stronger every day and I am so blessed with the friends and family I have!

I now know why nice guys finish last...

Ok that phrase of "nice guys finish last" in the dating field isn't because us women like the "bad boys" per se... It's that these nice guys aren't just nice to us but will do anything for their friends at ANY time... My ex-fiance was a "nice guy" but always helped out his kid's mom at the drop of a hat and we always had to rearrange our schedule to fit hers.

Well I feel like it's happening again. I went on a date last night with a guy who I've been dancing with alot at the bar lately. Well our date was at the bar. I know not the most typical setting for a date but whatever. Well anyway, it's the most crowded day of the week and of course he sees alot of his friends there. Unfortunately for me none of my girlfriends could come out because of other obligations. And he was there trying to make everyone happy. Well hate to be the selfish one but I thought he was going out on a date with me ya know? He was getting beers for his buddies and helping his cousin with his relationship issues. WHATEVER! I don't know I just know that if i did get in a relationship with him things would have to change and I would always look like the bad guy. I just want a guy who wants to be with me and yes I want him to have friend time too but when we make a date i want him to be here in the moment with me!

Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe i'm not "marriage material" and such a control freak that I have to have everything my way. I don't see it as that but maybe others do. But this is why I think nice guys finish last because they want to please everyone and make sure everyone is happy. That can lead to resentment on my end and that seems to ruin my relationships. I just would like to be put as #1 in someone's life. Guess that's too much to ask :(...

Three year olds and Cinderella slippers...

Well since I hadn't talked to my sister, Cheri, in about 2 weeks I figured I would give her a call to see how the kiddos were doing. I miss them so much and I've only seen little Eli once so May can't come soon enough... Anyway, I was talking to Cheri and I could hear in the background that Nila wanted to tell me something. So she put her on the phone and she was talking all about how she was looking for the Cinderella slipper in the backseat of her Cheri's car. I had asked her if she had found it and she gave me a matter of factly "No" and I could totally hear my sister's attitude as a little girl in Nila's voice. It was freaky lol... Anyway, after we talked about that then Nila asked me over for dinner. I told her I would have to take a raincheck because I live far far away. She said you don't live THAT far... LOL She's so cute and I just love her to pieces.... I have had such a bad last couple of work days that a 5 minute conversation with my niece just made my week! Oh and what melted my heart the most was that when Cheri got back on the phone she told me that she hadn't wanted to talk to anyone but me this week.... I love my niece!