Life changes can be hard... or easy... just depends where your head is at....

Ok so I've had a really bad couple of weeks for the most part between work and one of my friends who I adore moving 5 hours away in a couple of weeks. I was really feeling sorry for myself until tonight. I went and visited with my friend who is moving and she seemed truly happy to be doing it. Which made me realize... What makes ME happy? I was happy to see my dad and was glad he supported me in my endeavors. And now that he's gone I really miss that kind of support. Yes I have my friends but they all have kids and since school is back in session they are all pretty busy with that. I don't know what I'm going to do yet and will be talking to my parents once they come back from their trip in New Mexico.

For the first time in a while I'm excited about what the future holds. Now I'm just nervous that I won't find a job so the job search begins!!

My past week has been a turning point I've been looking for!

Ok so I went to the doctor this week and after crying to her about being depressed and other things that have been plaguing me these last few months I feel so much better and have a better outlook on life! My doctor (who I just met but she is so knowledgeable whereas some docs I've seen in the past have not been IMO), said that perhaps alot of my problems are steming from my unhealthy eating habits. She said they could all be connected. I'm getting bloodwork done to see if I may have diabetes and also PCOS. I've had abnormal periods for as far as I can remember unless I was on the pill. So getting back on the pill is a Godsend for me. I am also taking Wellbutrin to help with my depression. My mom was none too pleased about that because she's afraid I will become dependent on them or something and turn out like my cousin who has a lot of mental issues. I, on the other hand, am pleased with it so far and it seems to be working and getting me out of my funk. I'm focusing on nutrition and exercise right now to see if some of the ailments I may have may go away as I lose weight. Then I can focus on other things like getting a better job and so on...

Another thing I was happy about was being able to spend time with my two best friends. I hadn't seen Anitra in almost a month and Tera I've only seen once or twice since my birthday. It was nice to spend a day with them and their kids. Very refreshing. Then my dad called last night while on his "driving cross country tour" and said that instead of staying one night he's going to stay two and hoping to get a new bed for me because right now I'm sleeping on a futon and it's affecting my sleep I think. Anyway, I hope the rest of the summer works out much like this week did. :) Can't wait to see what the future brings!

Pottermania has set in!

I can't believe it! It's all coming to an end! *sniff sniff* You either love or hate Harry Potter series but you have to admit it's been a worldwide phenomenon... I love both this series and the Twilight series but I've grown up with Harry these past 10+ years and have really enjoyed everything about the franchise. I preordered my tickets to the 3D show for Saturday and I'm sooo excited! The finality of it all makes me sad though. The movie posters with IT. ALL. ENDS. just makes me sad because Dan, Emma, and Rupert, will forever be Harry, Hermione, and Ron. I have been having marathons of the last 3 Harry Potter movies (I loved the 5th and 7th movies and my all time favorite was the Prisoner of Azkaban). I'm a big Ron/Hermione shipper and really wish they had a series of their own at least in books. But for now Im re-reading the 7th book trying to get it finished before Saturday... Wish me luck! And hopefully someday I can read the Harry Potter books to my niece and nephew and get them interested in the series so I can relive it all over again!

Birthday Goodness!!

Well another birthday has come and gone. Had such a good weekend! Celebration started Friday when I went to see Fast Five at the 2 dollar theater! I love this franchise and the cars are always awesome! I wasn't too interested in the 2nd and 3rd installments because Vin Diesel wasn't in them but the other 3 were amazing... Great cars... Great looking guys... Who could ask for more? LOL And this one kinda reminded me of Ocean's Eleven... So even better!

On Saturday I went to the mall with my bestie, Tera. First we went to Lens Crafters to see if I could get my glasses done there. I guess one of my eyes has more of  astigmatism than the other so my lenses have to be pretty thick, which would be fine but it seems that most of the discounted eyewear places won't do them. :( Fortunately LensCrafters could but they had to send off for it so it'll be a few days before I get them...

After going there we went to get our nails done... I got a mani/pedi which was amazing... I love how they massage your arms and legs and make you feel like jello when you're done. It felt amazing!!  We went to El Mezcal for dinner mostly because i LOVE LOVE LOVE their white cheese dip. Simply amazing! Got to spend some quality time with Lindsay, Willie, and Emma with Tera so we got caught up  on what they are doing...

Then for the PARTAAAAAY! Got asked to dance by a couple of guys and didn't have to pay for any drinks!! I had so much fun and the DJ announced my birthday too so that made it special! Was so glad so many friends could make it... Was sad my other bestie Anitra wasn't there but that's what I get for having my birthday near a holiday huh? LOL

BIG BIG thanks to Tera for making my day extra special and to all my friends who helped me celebrate!!! I felt very special on MY day :)... And as a belated birthday present my pool is finally opening tomorrow, July 5th... So let the free fun begin! LOL

Best time of the year!!!

Ok I know how most people hate summer because it's HOT! But I've always loved it! I loved having my birthday right around a holiday. Then I always felt they were shooting off fireworks for me and my birthday... (Yes I was THAT selfish). Also hard to believe that it's been 21 years since Pop died. It was July 1st 1990 right before my 13th birthday and all I could think about was that I wasn't going to have a birthday party that year. (Yes I know but bare with me folks I was a preteen/teenager LOL)... Anyway, the big birthdays were always memorable (13 - Pop died, 16- got lost in Boston with my mom and sister going to visit family friends for a wedding... 18 nothing really happened on my birthday that year but later that school year I broke my ankle taking out trash to the road and ended up being in a wheelchair for prom and graduation... 21 - rode in a hot air balloon with my sister)... So needless to say I, for the most part, have had fun times on my birthday and always enjoy it.

The best present I got for my birthday happened before my birthday in 2007 when I became an aunt for the first time! Sure I was an aunt to friends' kids but this was different. And although Cheri lived in New Mexico I was still so excited when Mom told me that my niece was born. BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! Nila is so full of energy and she and Eli will probably be the closest thing I have to my own kids which is ok, but this week every year I'm so excited to know that Nila and I share something special.. I will be the only aunt she'll have on her mom's side and I can't wait til she gets a few years older so I can share stories of how her mom was as a kid and how I see alot of her mom's personality in her. :)

Being alone vs. Being lonely...

Ok so I've tried to fight it... But I'm getting the case of the lonliness coming on. More and more I seem to be an outsider at work. And then I come home to an empty house and no cable tv so I tend to go get redbox movies since they're cheap. Well usually in the summertime I go to our apartment pool to people watch and just enjoy the time outside. Since they are STILL working on the pool I can't do that just yet. Then I really found out I didn't have a life when I found out the people I hang out with the most both had plans this weekend so I'm scrambling to find something to do so I'm not wallowing in self-pity LOL. I'm sure there will be something to do I just have to look around and see what's out there.

My mom suggested joining some kind of activity to meet new people so I'm not so dependent on the friends I do have. I have no clue where to start for that and am trying to find something I'm interested in that isn't alcohol related...LOL So to keep myself from being too lonely sometimes I go to the mall and people watch or go to the 2 dollar theater to watch a movie just to be around people. Sad I know. I feel like my grandma did when she was alive and didn't have anyone to hang out with. Ugh! I need to get my life together because I'll be 34 in less than 2 weeks!

Frustrations in life...

Ok so I'm a little frustrated with life right now. I really wish I could just drive through the path that God has chosen for me and be happy. I've had so many hurdles to go through and obstacles to overcome I'm just ready for a break. I'm happy that I have family and friends that love me but as the days creep to my 34th birthday in a couple of weeks I wonder is this it? Will I live my life childless and husbandless? I am starting to fear of living alone. After my parents die (not saying they will anytime soon mind you) what will happen to me? I mean I'm seriously freaking out! I work at a temporary job where I get minimal benefits and no retirement. I live in an apartment where I get alot of alone time which is good but what if I get hurt or something and there is no one around. I don't mean to freak anyone out it's just how I feel! I would love to make Kansas my home for life but I feel that as I get older I may either need to live closer to where my sister lives or move back East where most of my family lives. I mean my uncle has made it all these years on his own in Colorado so I'm sure I can handle it but I'm actively searching for another job that would be more permanent and perhaps pay better. I'm at a crossroads again and not sure which way to turn. I just hope God will guide me to my future destinations...

My mom :)

Oh my mom! She is awesome ;)... She knows me inside and out! I feel like I can talk to her about anything and everything... Although that's only happened within the last 5 or 10 years. She knows I get emotional about EVERYTHING! And just the way she tells me to quit it just lets me know that she doesn't put up with that anymore from me. Now when my dad tells me to stop that just gets me fired up because he just is a man and doesn't know how to go about doing it lol... Still love my dad though!


I guess I can tell me and my mom are close because I can share stuff with her but we also have some crazy emotional fights because we deal with things the same way, emotionally. Sometimes I wonder if the reason me and my sister aren't as close as some siblings is not only distance but she approaches things alot like my dad would and i'm more like my mom. My parents have their differences which is good because who would want to marry a clone of themselves? LOL But they thrive on their similarities :)... I love them both and so glad I was blessed to be in a home where I had two parents together who were happy. I really miss them sometimes!

Bar maids...

Ok so I've been thinking about this alot the last few days. I love going to the Wild Horse Saloon on the weekends because I love to dance and it's a great workout without even thinking about it. I love the music they play (for the most part) and the people there have become family. I guess it's funny because most people my age have a husband or wife and children so they may think that it's crazy that a soon to be 34 year old is hanging out at a bar. Well I'm here to tell you that I don't go just for the alcohol I go for the atmosphere of it all. The people at the bar are like my extended family and we usually catch up about the week's events and such. Plus it's just fun to act goofy sometimes... I don't usually get that drunk so I like watching the drunk people try to use their lines on other people in the bar. It's quite entertaining. Certain people at my workplace and in my life in general don't seem to understand that just because I go to the bar doesn't mean I get drunk every time I go there. I go there to have a good time and to meet new people. Yes I know it's not the ideal place to find a significant other but it can happen. Plus it's the cheapest thing to do on a weekend because they have no cover charge for ladies and if you just drink water it's free... :) I haven't had this much fun in my life since I've started hanging out at Wild Horse and on any given Friday or Saturday night you will probably see me out there so come join us. It's always a party when we are there! :)

Time for a chapter to close....

Well as you know from my posts or facebook statuses.. I had a boyfriend for a couple months now. I think I'm getting to the point in my life where I need to stop having "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationships for the time being and just go out on dates... Breaking up is really painful for me. I know I shouldn't be so invested in a relationship that I don't see going anywhere but I was. I tend to dive in with my whole heart only to be disappointed with the outcome. Jimmy is a sweetheart and I really hope he does find someone that truly loves him and wants to be with him. Someone who wants to put in the effort of him being able to open up to them. I just felt like we were dance partners at the club who sometimes kissed. I didn't feel like we were dating and even some people I know didn't even know we were dating. I want someone who will light a fire inside me. Someone who challenges me to be better than I am and someone who wants to be around me and not just at the club. Hopefully I will find that man someday and if not I have wonderful friends and family to fill that void :)... Just going to take one day at a time and have some fun instead of diving head first into a relationship until I truly get to know someone.

I guess for me I've always thought that if someone actually showed an interest in me that I should be grateful and date said person... Well my confidence is building more now and I feel like I don't have to settle... I'm starting to feel prettier on the outside (even though I think my friends are 10 times more gorgeous than me)... I just need to find someone who thinks I'm someone worth being with.

Vacation... How wonderful you were but you went by too quick!

Now this might be a long one so strap yourself in... LOL It all started on Wednesday morning before dawn... I was just too excited to sleep I guess so I got some last minute stuff together and headed to the airport... This was the first time I had parked in economy parking at the KC airport but thankfully I have my friend Rusty who helped me by telling me where it was before hand... So I get there and I try to remember exactly where my car was so that when I got back on Sunday it would be easy to spot. Well I had checked in the day before my flight online so I could get a $2 discount on my checked bag (yes I know not alot of savings but I try to save where I can)... And so check in went super smoothly because all I had to do was drop my bag off and head over to my gate... After the security checkpoint I sat down and realized I had 2 hours to kill since I wanted to be there early enough to not have to stress about it LOL...

Well 2 flights later I land in the great CLT airport lol... They really need to update their stuff I think but whatever... I call my sister as I'm getting off the plane (she and my niece Nila came to get me) I saw them waiting for me by baggage claim so I went and dropped my purse off and Cheri said I could take Nila to go get my bag. So we held hands and got caught up as only an aunt and niece can.. Grabbed my bag and we were off... I decided to sit in the back with Nila because I would probably be talking to her more anyway and this way I could see her better LOL...We killed pirates in the backseat and she gave us both her version of pirate names... Mine was along the lines of Dora Treehornhead or something along those lines... So after killing all the pirates between the airport and my parents house I was ready to go see the rest of the family!!! Saw my parents first and then I saw HIM!!! Walking... Talking... ELI!!! And I was in love... He is the sweetest thing ever!! He's almost two so he needs constant stimulation all the time. That boy wore me out! But I had fun with him...

Some highlights from the conversations Eli and I had:
Every animal on the planet says Moo! "Eli what does a dog say?" "Moo!" "What does a cat say?" "Moo!" I think you catch my drift! LOL

He would get up on the stool in front of the chair I was sitting in and say "Ready... Set... Go.." And jump into my lap whether I was ready or not LOL...Sometimes I even had something in my hand and I knew once he said Ready! I only had like 2 seconds to figure out how I was going to catch him. LOL He's adorable and so lovable and he looks alot like Cheri which is nice because Nila looks alot like her dad's side of the family. While I was at my parents house I got to see my Uncle Larry and Aunt Gloria who I haven't seen since before I moved to Kansas. It was so nice to visit with them and let them know what I was up to... :)

On Friday we decided to give my parents a break from all the kid action and went to Discovery Place for preschoolers or something to that affect... It was so much fun and we were there for at least 3 hours and the kids didn't whine or complain one bit... They had a blast and I had a blast being there with them... Glad my sister and bro in law were there though to help me with the kids LOL... I have a newfound respect for all the single moms out there especially with more than one kid... Don't know how you do it but my hat is off to you! After that fun we headed to lunch where the kids passed out in their car seats LOL... When we got back home we dropped the kids off and took my dad to see Pirates of Carribbean in 3D and wasn't impressed with the 3D effects but the movie was good.

Saturday my parents and I said goodbye to Cheri and her family and headed to SC to visit Aunt Denise and Uncle Dave before heading to cousin Amy's wedding...Loved catching up with everyone and Amy's wedding was beautiful!!! It incorporated Jewish and Christian traditions and was a unique ceremony at least to me... The reception dinner was amazing and the whole wedding just gave me the warm and fuzzies :) After the wedding we headed back to Aunt Denise and Uncle Dave's to spend the night and Sunday morning I got to meet little Helen Havice for the first time (my cousin's little girl)... I had seen Henry a few times but hadn't met Helen because she had been born 2 months after I left for Kansas. She's the perfect Southern Belle in my eyes... Even when she left she was like little Miss Hollywood she would walk a few steps and turn back and wave and then walk a few more steps and wave... It was so great to be able to spend time with them!!!

And that my friends is how my vacation went. I'm glad I could get away for a bit but also glad to be back into a routine :)... If you didn't read the whole thing I don't mind lol This was more for my memories then anything else LOL...

Feels like crud!

Well let spring begin!!! Let the sinuses clog and make my head feel like a semi hit it... Let my eyes water and turn red. Gotta love this time of year LOL I feel like crud and I can't feel like crud because this time next week I will be getting ready to head out to see my parents, sister and bro in law, and most importantly my niece and nephew!!!! That means lots of hugs and kisses and my sister is not going to let me do any of that with all the sniffling and coughing I do now. So please send a get better prayer my way because I need to be 100% next week... Christmas was somewhat of a disappointment and I don't want this visit to be disappointing... I must defeat this!!!!

And the hits keep on coming....

Well found out today that I got rejected from the apartment complex where I was going to share an apartment with a roommate. Kids do not ever get credit cards and make sure to pay every bill on time! Those are words to live by. And stay in school because if you don't you will end up like me. And believe me NO ONE wants to end up like me LOL... I swear I'm in a hole that I will never leave. I'm stuck there with no end in sight. The one silver lining is that I get go see my family in a little less than 2 weeks. Sigh... Gotta love being the unsuccessful one. Oh look it's Cheri she has two kids a husband and she's amazing (which she is :) and brilliant!) and then there's Marcie... Well at least she got out of her parents house... LOL Not at all successful and her parents have to keep bailing her out. I AM going to pay them back and my parents have offered to get me a financial advisor because me and my dad don't see eye to eye when it comes to finances and it just ends up being a really big argument and I have enough going wrong right now that I don't want my parents and I fighting. I just feel guilty and humiliated and embarrassed. I have to look inside myself and see what I'm doing wrong in my life. I'm sure it's fixable I'm just at a loss right now...

Luckily after I got that phone call (and had my panic attack which I seem to have a lot lately) I told my work I had to go take care of some things and then went to my current landlord to make sure I could sign a lease since I had already given them notice and everything. They said that would be ok so at least I still have a place to live. I just hate that I disappoint people all the time... Oh there's Marcie screwing up yet again. It feels like it's neverending

Dealing with money issues and need advice!

Ok so ever since I've moved to Kansas and even before then I've had money issues... As in I don't know how to budget and I tend to just blow things off if I can't afford them, as in bills. I know that's a real childish way to deal with it but that's how I deal with it. My parents are there to back me up if I need them to but I want to be able to rely on myself and be able to get rid of this debt I have. Now some of it was built up when I was living with James and he had no job so I was paying all the bills because what little money he got from unemployment usually went to child support or to help with paying things for his son. So most of this is old debt. But I'm getting so depressed and just don't know if I can't keep moving forward when I have all these setbacks. Maybe I should just live in my car for a while until I can get this debt taken care of and save some money. I don't know. I feel very lost right now and don't know where to turn.... I mean even when I go out I don't spend that much money. I guess I'm just gonna have to buckle down and not go anywhere for a while. I don't know what to do and I feel like every time I crawl out of a hole I'm pushed back in to a deeper one. Any advice on how to budget when you have a debt that's more than your means to begin with? Any ideas on how to deal with creditors or collection agencies? I mean I have to call one collection agency tomorrow to figure out what I can do to pay when I have no money. I mean what do you tell them? Ummm hey I don't have any spare money right now and then I'm sure they'll say uh well we're taking you to jail or something... I don't know what to do :( HELP! Please I need your help!

Time for an emotional overhaul!

Ok so this weekend I have learned alot of things... One of them is that I need to start getting my emotions in check... I have done better with that when I'm injured or sick I don't cry as much as I used to but God forbid I get mad and the waterworks come out. I blame my mother for this as she is highly emotional herself. I have got to learn to keep my emotions in check though because I seem to be freaking everyone out. My mom always told me that I was highly emotional and that if I cry people are going to panic or something. It's just the way I deal with things but it gets mistaken for being a highly emotional wreck. Oh well I guess if someone needs to be the trainwreck of the group it can be me right? LOL

Another thing I'm trying to get better at is getting my jealousy under control.... I've always been jealous about EVERYTHING.... My parents tell me I just need to get over it or they are super over protective about it. I don't mean to be jealous it just seems to rear it's ugly head when things are going good in my life I always think that maybe my friends want to be with me because I'm just dependable??? or because they need a wing man?? or what... I know that's not the case but my friends are super beautiful inside and out and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve them... That I downgrade their beautifulness... I am finally realizing I'm beautiful and that maybe I care about others too much more than myself. Maybe I'm trying to spread the happiness too much to others and not to myself. Plus I've never had friends that I've been super close with for a long period of time so maybe that's part of it too... Maybe I'm afraid to commit to friendships that are long lasting because I don't want to be the one that is hurt in the end. I don't know whatever it is I need to work on it because I don't want to lose my friends because I'm too emotional. So here's to better days ahead and being able to control my emotions better :)

Peace and love my friends!

Movies and reflection

I've done alot of reflection these last few months as you can probably tell from me starting to blog and all... All this ME time I've been having has let me figure out what I want out of life. It's coming up on a year that I've lived on my own and only concentrated on me. I finally feel like I'm in a good place and decided to have a redbox chick flick night... That ended up going into this morning... How Do you Know? with Reese Witherspoon Owen Wilson and Paul Rudd and it was amazing.... Where the geeky guy gets the hot girl... I have always loved when the underdog wins, because I've always been the underdog... LOL Anyway the second movie was Morning Glory and that movie was awesome as well... I love movies with strong female characters!! Anyway, there was this song from Morning Glory called Strip Me by Natasha Bedingfield which I found so empowering... Especially the chorus...

 

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me 

 

I felt like this encompassed my whole year this year... I was always trying to make James happy and let him take whatever he wanted from me... because I loved him and I thought that was what people did when they loved someone. Now that I've actually been on my own for a year now I know that I deserve better. I deserve to be heard! Just because I don't have children doesn't mean I don't have a say what goes on in my life. I've seen some of my friends in relationships that have no children but who's significant others have children involve so much of themselves in the children's lives and that they lose themselves. I don't say anything because I have been there... I wanted to take on the mom role because I felt that the child's mom was not a good parent... But I lost so much of myself by doing that. Me wanting children of my own so badly and being able to be a mother figure in the child's life I got a little carried away and James would let me so he wouldn't have to deal with it. I know I keep bringing him up but I feel like if I get these feelings out then I won't have to deal with them anymore and I can keep going in the right direction ya know? 

On another note these next few weeks is what I call the birthday weeks... My dad's was Friday, my sister's is April 3rd and then my sister's stepson's is April 8th... They are all so grouped together lol.... Mine is just around the corner in July and I can't believe I'll be 34! My dad was just telling me Friday that he signed up for Social Security and that made ME feel old that I actually have a dad that's retired and collecting social security. I just have alot on my mind and it's just all over the place but I'm glad I can put my thoughts on this blog and have people like you reading it :) Makes me feel better! Have a blessed week!

 

 

One. Hot. Woman.

Those three little words melted my heart tonight. My new boyfriend called me that and it wasn't I'm one hot woman that needed to change something about myself... It wasn't one hot woman who should change the way she is. It was ONE. HOT. WOMAN.. Yes I know I'm totally being like a schoolgirl but I don't care! My high school years other than band were horrible. I felt like the only reason people talked to me was to talk to my sister or my cousin (both of whom are beautiful inside and out! and I love them both!) and my nickname in high school or kathy bates from misery. So yeah those were fun days. Didn't have a single boyfriend in high school or middle school. My sister on the other hand had multiple boyfriends and I was always jealous...

Then after high school and my 3 years in college I started feeling better about myself... Partly because I wasn't compared to my sister all the time which was refreshing lol... I started dating and tended to date guys I thought I could "fix"into the dream husband I was looking for... Well I almost married a man that was totally wrong for me because I was "settling" because I didn't think there was anyone out there better for me.

Now onto present day... Jimmy, yes i know I can't seem to get away from the James name lol, is the sweetest guy I ever met. I'm kinda nervous getting involved with him because he does have some developmental disabilities but I have some learning disabilities so it's unfair of me to say that I don't know if I can see us long term or not. We're at the having fun stage right now and he's been nothing but sweet to me. He knows alot of people which makes me feel good that he won't be at my side all the time and suffocating. Now if we could just get a date outside the bar scene that would be great!!! LOL Don't get me wrong he is a GREAT dancer and I love having someone to slow dance with. And I don't want to rush anything so I'm just going to enjoy the ride and see where it goes...

He called me one hot woman.... Sigh I'm on cloud nine!

Loving life :)

Do you ever just wake up in the morning and say "I love my life"... Well for the first time in years I've been doing that here in Kansas. When I was living in North Carolina under my parents roof I thought I was destined for the hustle and bustle of the Charlotte area for my whole life. That and living with my parents forever... But since January 2009 I've been on this crazy adventure out here in the midwest and it's been amazing! Yes I've had some real trials to get through and everything but for the most part I feel like I've grown as a person. I still depend on my parents somewhat and hope that I can provide for them when they need me most. :) Yes I still long for a husband and a family but it's not a necessity for me anymore. My friends are great, I miss my family alot (especially my niece and nephew that I am missing growing up)... My job is finally enjoyable again now that my boss has quit and I feel like everything is falling into place. I have even found someone who makes me happy... I'm taking it really slow and not trying to rush anything because this guy does everything I think a guy should do for his girl... Opening doors for me and letting me go in first (that's a biggie for me), dances with me at the club (another biggie), and just treats me with respect. Yes he may not be super perfect but he's perfect for me and makes me happy. I don't know what the future holds for us but I'm enjoying the journey as we go along :)...

And like I told a friend last night... I've surrounded myself with positive people so I only feel positivity when I'm around others which makes me feel happy and wanting to spread my "pocket full of sunshine" to everyone I come in contact with. My new motto is don't sweat the small stuff (which can be hard sometimes with my control freakish ways at times LOL) and just embrace life and don't dwell on what you don't have focus on what you do have!

My Best Friend

In honor of her birthday weekend this weekend I thought I would write a post about my best friend Tera... Tera is the kind of girl who would brighten up any room. She's upbeat all the time and makes me smile :). She's always there for me when I need her and I can always depend on her if I need to hang out and she always sees the bright side of any situation. She helped me get through a major rough patch in my life and I feel like I've come out stronger because of her support. We can talk about guys, food, clothes, shopping... Everything and nothing ever seems boring when she's around.

She's also a great mom to two great boys. I hope that if I happen to have kids someday I will be half the mom she is to them. :) So this is to you Tera!!!! I love you and thanks for being my best friend!

Am I strong enough?

Ever feel like God puts obstacles in your way to see if your strong enough to handle them? Well that's how I feel today... It's like God is testing me to see if I can really move on from my ex fiance James. I have started dating someone and he treats me so well!!! And he has a job! Another plus in my book! Anyway we've been seeing each other for a month or two now and just made things official on Saturday. Well this morning I get a Facebook message from James (and my boyfriend's name is Jimmy so I guess I have a thing for that name LOL). He was saying how he got 7000 dollars back from taxes and was wondering if he could help me pay my bills. Well this sounded more than a little fishy but I took the bait and said what's the catch? He said we would have to be roommates. Ummm first of all I live in a one bedroom apartment which is plenty big for me but not for two people... Secondly he's like an infection... He drags me down whenever he can. He says he has no place to live and why should that be my problem? Then he wanted my number so we could text and I didn't feel comfortable doing that either so I didn't give it to him...

I guess I measure this as a great accomplishment because right after we broke up and I moved into my own place we still kinda saw each other for a couple of months. I think I just had to get all my frustration with him out and then I just told him to leave me alone. He's used to his ex's being friends with him after they broke up and one of his exes is my friend and she said the reason he and i couldn't be friends is that I was in love with him before we broke up and all his other breakups were them breaking up with him. Whatever the case is I just don't like myself when I'm around him. He pulls me in to his own depression and it's not somewhere I want to be...

Unfortunately he still knows where I live for now... I'm starting to look for other places to live because I'm not too happy where I'm at and I want to live closer to my work and my friends. So wish me luck!

I'm feeling stronger every day and I am so blessed with the friends and family I have!

I now know why nice guys finish last...

Ok that phrase of "nice guys finish last" in the dating field isn't because us women like the "bad boys" per se... It's that these nice guys aren't just nice to us but will do anything for their friends at ANY time... My ex-fiance was a "nice guy" but always helped out his kid's mom at the drop of a hat and we always had to rearrange our schedule to fit hers.

Well I feel like it's happening again. I went on a date last night with a guy who I've been dancing with alot at the bar lately. Well our date was at the bar. I know not the most typical setting for a date but whatever. Well anyway, it's the most crowded day of the week and of course he sees alot of his friends there. Unfortunately for me none of my girlfriends could come out because of other obligations. And he was there trying to make everyone happy. Well hate to be the selfish one but I thought he was going out on a date with me ya know? He was getting beers for his buddies and helping his cousin with his relationship issues. WHATEVER! I don't know I just know that if i did get in a relationship with him things would have to change and I would always look like the bad guy. I just want a guy who wants to be with me and yes I want him to have friend time too but when we make a date i want him to be here in the moment with me!

Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe i'm not "marriage material" and such a control freak that I have to have everything my way. I don't see it as that but maybe others do. But this is why I think nice guys finish last because they want to please everyone and make sure everyone is happy. That can lead to resentment on my end and that seems to ruin my relationships. I just would like to be put as #1 in someone's life. Guess that's too much to ask :(...

Three year olds and Cinderella slippers...

Well since I hadn't talked to my sister, Cheri, in about 2 weeks I figured I would give her a call to see how the kiddos were doing. I miss them so much and I've only seen little Eli once so May can't come soon enough... Anyway, I was talking to Cheri and I could hear in the background that Nila wanted to tell me something. So she put her on the phone and she was talking all about how she was looking for the Cinderella slipper in the backseat of her Cheri's car. I had asked her if she had found it and she gave me a matter of factly "No" and I could totally hear my sister's attitude as a little girl in Nila's voice. It was freaky lol... Anyway, after we talked about that then Nila asked me over for dinner. I told her I would have to take a raincheck because I live far far away. She said you don't live THAT far... LOL She's so cute and I just love her to pieces.... I have had such a bad last couple of work days that a 5 minute conversation with my niece just made my week! Oh and what melted my heart the most was that when Cheri got back on the phone she told me that she hadn't wanted to talk to anyone but me this week.... I love my niece!

At a crossroads job wise....

Ok so this week was not a great week for me jobwise... My boss was being a bit more crabbier than usual and I'm just frustrated because I'm still a temp with a temp agency and I've been working at the same place for almost two years now. So I got up the nerve to ask the big boss on Friday if he thought there would ever be a chance that I could get hired on as a permanent position here with the City of Topeka. He told me he has been trying to find somewhere where I could be hired on but there's alot of union mess that is involved and even if they were to open a job for my position it would have to go through the union first... It's just very frustrating because I've been a hard worker and I've been with this company for two years now. I mean do I risk it all to go somewhere else or do I stick it out and wait to see if something becomes available? I don't know what to do and even if I go on interviews for other jobs I would have to take off time at the job i'm at and lose money doing it.

I mean I guess I could get a part time job somewhere and see where it leads but most of the part time jobs in my field are daytime jobs and I already have a daytime job.... LOL And between all this I'm still wanting a family and a home life and everything else. It can get stressful at times but I'm working my way through it. My friends and family are helping me along the way and hopefully the problems I have with my boss will be resolved shortly. We shall see...

On the good side... After Monday hopefully we'll be getting some warmer weather coming our way... Supposed to be in the 50's and 60's starting on Tuesday I believe so I'm very happy about that. And I know it will take a little time to figure out what I'm going to do with my life but sometimes I just wish it would fall into my lap so I wouldn't have to work so hard for something. God has been pretty good to me so far so hopefully He will help guide the path I need to lead! Happy Sunday everyone!

I am not as young as I used to be! LOL

Ok so after this very fun filled weekend I had I feel like I've been run over by an 18 wheeler... LOL Friday night was fun.. Went out with my friend Anitra to the Wild Horse... (our usual friday night hangout) and hung out with a guy named Dustin who was super nice. We thought it was going to be a drag at first because no one was there but finally started filling up around 10:30.... Needless to say I didn't get home til around 3am... I knew we were going to KC the next day so I went straight to bed...

Saturday was ROAD TRIP with my girls, Tera and Anitra! We went to Kansas City and got lost for a little bit but then found our hotel. We were going because Anitra's best friend's husband was having a birthday party and she invited Tera and I to come along. The only highlight of the trip was our waiter at Dave & Busters, Chase... He was sweet. Unlike her friend Mindy's inlaws, who made us feel like the 5th wheel... But whatever... the waiting time for Dave & Busters was over 2 hours so Tera, Anitra, and I grabbed a table on the game room side which was first come first serve because we were really hungry. Well the other guests of the party didn't like that at all so when we finally did all get a table (after the 3 of us had eaten already) there weren't any seats for us. Well we had had enough by that point and even though the hotel room was paid for we left and headed back to Topeka around 9:30pm because we knew we would have more fun there. So we get back and go to the Wild Horse where we see some friendly faces. The girls start drinking, and I had a couple too, then we started dancing. Nothing takes away anger like some good friends and DANCING!!!

We went to Denny's after that, as we always do, to sober up the drunk ones a little bit, and we even got a guy to come over and sit with us that was sitting by ourselves.... Then a bunch of us went back to Tera's house where we watched wedding crashers and didn't go to bed til around 5am...

Sunday was such a beautiful day out but i never saw it.... I ended up sleeping at Tera's off and on til 7pm... And I'm just now recovering from the whole weekend. I think i'm trying to make up for all the lost party days I missed in my youth. I wouldn't trade it for the world though!!! Ready for next weekend! LOL

It's Party Time!

Ok I can seriously say I've had the best 5 days that I've had in a very long time. Between the karaoke and all the dancing I have to say it was amazing. And something happen that has never happened before in my life... A guy totally just walked up to me and started dancing... I thought he was wanting to dance with Tera (my friend in the picture) but he totally wanted to dance with ME! Now I know for most people that is no big deal but it is for me and I'm so happy someone showed at least a little interest in me. It's nice to be appreciated for my beauty every once in a while... I never felt beautiful in high school...But slowly I'm gaining confidence!

Some people say that partying at my age is just not good. That it makes me look desperate or whatever. Well i'm just doing what they did in their 20's (and most people think I'm in my 20's anyway LOL) and I say if they don't like it then screw them. I love going out and dancing and i may have a drink or two but I never get drunk enough where I don't know what's going on around me. Dancing, well besides blogging, is my outlet to let loose and just have a good time.

Wednesday and Thursday nights we went singing karaoke and it was so much fun! I have found a new song that I fell in love with but I won't discuss that on here... LOL The only thing missing from this weekend was my friend Anitra who had a couple of kids at home sick with strep... Next week we are partying it up in Kansas City and I can't wait for that!

Birthdays and exes...

Ok so I'm invited to my friend's 40th birthday party friday after next. I really want to see her and my other friends who i haven't seen in forever but am nervous because I think my ex fiance and his new girlfriend will be there... In a way i want to invite a guy to show that I've moved on as well... but why should i??? I don't NEED a man to complete me or to make me happy. I've asked a couple of girlfriends to come with me so that I'm not going alone. I figured I would visit with the birthday girl and hang out for a bit and then leave... I don't know why I'm nervous. I guess I just don't want any drama. I'm sure my ex will want to come talk to me but I don't really have anything to say to him anymore. I won't be rude of course but I'll be short with him that is if he even shows up. I don't know why I'm so anxious I just am I guess.. I'm completely over him and am finally loving my life. It's been almost a year since we broke up and I'm happy he's moved on. I just miss his son alot and wonder what is going on with him. I just hope him and his girlfriend are happy. And I don't want to say that I don't want to go because he'll be there. I'm just at a loss I guess. I'm unsure of what to do. So we shall see what happens!

Taxes are done! Bring on the refund!

Ok so I got my taxes done recently and still waiting for the check in the mail and I always think it's going to be a simple process... I was going to do the Turbotax online thing but chickened out at the last minute because a few years ago i tried to do it online and it messed my taxes up big time... So tax preparer is marked off my list as future ambitions lol...

Anyway, so last year I used one of the H&R block branches here in Topeka and first of all they typed my SSN# wrong so i had to get another W-2 and I didn't like the guy who did my return because he was older and he was messing everything up. This year I set up an appt. ahead of time and the lady was super nice! I'm confident that my taxes were done properly this year and they were cheaper too since i used the 1040EZ my federal was free woohoo!!

I remember when I was with my ex-fiance he wanted me to have a child because 1) I and the baby could get state assistance because he was unemployed and I didn't make alot of money... and 2) Because we could get a nice big fat check every year from the IRS... WHAT A TURNOFF! I guess I should've known then that he wasn't the one for me. I mean I'm sure lower class families may think that's a good idea but why bring a child into the world if you can't support it yourself? I hope that someday I have the privilege of having a child of my own when I'm more financially stable and have a husband with a job. If not at least I have a niece and nephew to dote on from time to time plus all my friends' kids :)....

I guess I just set my standards to high. I mean I go to websites like plentyoffish and tell prospective dates that I want a guy WITH A JOB! I know that's harder to find these days but I think that if a woman should not have to support a man financially (this is only MY opinion so hold it against me if you want :P) especially in a relationship where they live together. It should be 50/50 in my opinion or the man should go make the money and the woman stay home to take care of the kids because child care is CRAZY nowadays. I know I'm super old-fashioned in my beliefs and that could be why I'm still single. I like doors opened for me (which the ex rarely did), i would like for him to pay for our dates (which he never did). I don't know... I guess I'm crazy.... I spoil the person I choose to be with and they like to take advantage.... So maybe I should just quit being so nice! Ugh! Sorry for the rambling I've just been thinking about love and being in love lately with all the Valentine's hoopla going on. Another Valentine's Day without a valentine... Sigh... Oh well C'est la vie!

Getting ready for the "BIG STORM"

Ok I get it... There's a huge storm coming blah blah blah... Yes we will probably see alot of snow but sometimes these weather guys are CLUELESS!! LOL I'm just glad I got home safe today. I would take weeks of snow over one day of freezing rain (don't get any ideas though Mother Nature).. Driving on snow really isn't too bad. Well that is unless you are driving up a major incline or something. I don't know... All I know is if it's gonna snow then bring it on! I'm just so sick of hearing about it! LOL At least it waited for a majority of the snow from the last storm to melt. So yaaay for small favors!

In other news... I went back to First Southern Baptist Church I believe it's called, yesterday with some friends and they had a guest speaker... He was a former Muslim born and raised in a Sunni family in Lebanon who became a Christian in 1985 after not wanting to live under the Muslim faith any longer. I thought it was fascinating how he compared Islam to Christianity and it really made me beam with pride on how much Christians look out for their fellow men and want to do unto others as they would do unto themselves, whereas the Muslims believe that killing for their god Allah brings them closer to their heaven. I'm sure i'm distorting this some but in the last few months I have really grown closer with God and his teachings and it has made my life so much more fulfilling. Sure I still have bumps in the road but so does everyone. I have put my life in God's hands and have finally realized that He is showing me the path that will lead to a better life for myself by looking at the best in situations instead of the worst. And that everything happens for a reason. It may not be a reason we want it to be but we can learn from any and all situations that we encounter and grow stronger because of it!

Lots of things on my mind lately....

Ok first off I'm getting really aggravated at work lately... There's two people at work that claim they are great Christians or they go to church or whatever... but every chance they get they are talking behind people's backs and most of the time it's about me. Now I know I'm not the prettiest girl or the skinniest (but I'm working on it) and I may not do my hair and makeup for hours on end but that still doesn't mean I'm not a human being. I guess this is related to my earlier post where I don't think people should have to preach the gospel to be able to believe in it. It's just so frustrating! For the most part I feel like I'm on an upswing in my life and am loving life at the moment. I guess my biggest wish is that I would just get hired on permanently... I feel like God has a purpose for me working where I work because He knows at some point things will work out for the best and I will be hired on but my patience is wearing thin.

Another thing on my mind is getting to see my niece and nephew (well my parents and sister too lol) in May... They are visiting my parents right now and I'm trying to get them to decide when they want to come visit. I'm heading to NC regardless because one of my most favorite cousins is getting married and I wouldn't miss it! :) My sister has said that she would come with my niece and nephew so I can spend time with them and so I'm really excited about that! :) I'm just trying to decide what to do because I wish I could spend a week with them but since I'm only a temp employee I don't get that much paid time off. So we shall see what happens!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

New insights into God and my beliefs...

As I have been spending a lot of time alone these past few weeks I've been talking with God and really building a relationship with Him. Went to a friend's church this morning because I'm still looking for a church to call "home" and it just didn't feel right. The female pastor that was speaking was talking about how us as children of God need to go out and share the Word with others... Well coming from a background of parents who did believe in God but didn't go to church on a regular basis I was taught that you form your own opinions and own thoughts about how you came to be in this world and whether or not you believe in God is your choice. I've always believed in God myself, although my mind has been led astray from time to time. I know that He has a plan for me and I know he wanted me to move to Kansas for a reason. To grow up, to find myself, and to make a life for myself without depending on my parents all the time.  I still feel like I depend on my parents ALOT more than I should but everyone has someone they lean on the most... whether it be a spouse, a parent, a child, etc... Mine just happen to be my parents.

I just really want to find a church that I can share fellowship  with and hopefully minister to children in some way. I want to have a pastor that I can trust that can help pray with me when times are rough, and not make me feel like I need to share the word of God with others. I just want to be able to share the Glory of God with my fellow church members and if anyone asks me about God I would be more than happy to share my thoughts and feelings. I do miss not having people to bounce things off of and hope that someday God will give me someone who will not necessarily share the same thoughts and feelings but will truly listen to me and be able to give me feedback. Until then I have blogging and being able to get my thoughts out in the open does help.

Its the weekend!

Well it's the weekend!!!! I'm keeping it low key this weekend and just taking time for meditation and trying to see what God has planned for me in the coming year. I'm at a crossroads with my job at the moment. I really want to see if I can get a city job (since I'm just a temp at the moment) or if in the spring I need to move on to other ventures. I for the most part love where I work but always feel like I'm the "expendable" one and even though I've worked there almost 2 years now that's pretty much true. I have learned that my ex has moved on to someone else which is good because he seems to need someone in his life to help show him direction... This winter I've been missing his son like crazy... I loved me some Justin time and would love to just go out just me and him and play in the snow or something but I know that would make me have to interact with his dad and I'm just not in that place where I can do that right now. I know Justin probably thinks I abandoned him and that just breaks my heart but your heart wants what it wants and James's heart just didn't want me anymore and I'm finally in a place where I'm ok with that.

I'm at a place in my life where I wish I could afford to have a child of my own and if I can get a better career I would love to be a foster parent at some point. Children are blessings from God and I'm blessed that I have friends and family that have small children who I adore! I don't know I guess I just thought I would always be a soccer mom because I am good with keeping a schedule, for the most part, and think I would make a good mom at some point. But I'll be 34 this year and not sure if I want to have a baby this late in my life... Which makes me a little sad but I'm beginning to be ok with it. I'm hoping to find a church in the next few months where I can be a helper in the children's ministries there. I have a longing to be around children because they are so innocent and do not know alot of the bad things of this world. Although some children aren't so lucky. I just feel like it's my time to make a difference in this world and I just have to get the motivation to do it!

I really like being able to get all my feelings out here and just sharing with my blog friends makes me feel so much better!

Reflecting about this past year and what's to come in my life...

I've been doing a lot of thinking these past couple of months. I really have grown a lot since I've moved to Kansas. And especially since April of last year when I've really really had to be completely on my own... Well ok not completely but with great friends and family by my side I'm living independently. I still have many lessons to learn though.

As some of you know I just got a new car. Suzi the Saturn has been retired! After 14 long years it was time to move on. I promised myself if I did get another car that I would take better care of it and I'm going to stick by that promise. I just signed all the papers today and so now it's legally mine! It drives so nice too.

I'm really at a crossroads with my job right now. I want to stay because there's a possibility that I could get a job with the City of Topeka once one opens up... But on the other hand being a temp with hardly any benefits is not working out for me so much. God is helping me through this and I hope by leaving it in His hands he will guide me where I need to be.

I am loving Kansas except for all this snow we're getting these past couple of weeks... It helps to have a more dependable car now. I'll always be a Southern girl at heart and will never rule out moving back there (especially if my sister and her family end up moving out there) but for now I'm happy where I'm at and plan to be here for a while at least.

Hope everyone is having a great week and I'm loving this blogging thing!

Snow is not my friend....

Ok so I'm cooped up in this apartment and this is the first time my internet has gone crazy slowwwww.... I wouldn't be so upset about it but Nila and Eli and my sister are at my parents house and since I just got on the Skype wagon I have tried to Skype with them at least every other night. My sister doesn't have a good connection at her house in New Mexico plus she's always busy so I thought this would be the perfect time to see the kids. Well Mother Nature had other ideas!!! Ugh... We're supposed to get up to 9 inches of snow from today til tomorrow morning. I really do love Kansas but this snow can go away. I do like how they plow the roads and they have an "emergency route" that they keep plowed so people can drive on it. I just hope I make it to work tomorrow!

I cannot wait til May! Not only will I get to see my niece and nephew for the first time in almost 2 years but I'll get to see my dear cousin Amy get married. I just have to suffer these next few months is all... LOL

If anyone wants some snow come to Kansas we've got plenty!

My very first post on my very first blog!

Hello World! It's me Marcie! I just wanted to point out that this blog is mainly so people who know me can know a little more insight about what makes me tick (like you even want to know anyway lol) and to share stuff along the way. I like trying to stay up to date with current events and such so I will post articles when I feel there's a need to or if I want to start a discussion or something.

It may be boring at first as I'm trying to maneuver my way around but I hope you will stick around as the best is yet to come!